Following outrage across America after George Zimmerman was found not guilty for the murder of Trayvon Martin, Floridian legislators are set to introduce a set of new laws to make sure injustice never prevails again.
“Obviously a great injustice nearly occurred,” explained lawmaker Bevan Mildew. “Thankfully, George Zimmerman got away with it. I mean, wasn’t guilty. But who knows what might have happened the next time a white man decided to shoot and murder a black teenager? A fine? Community service? We couldn’t stand by and let that happen.”
So Mildew has drafted a range of new laws he hopes to have passed by the end of the week. “Under the new laws, you can shoot up to two black people, one white person if they’re poor, one and a half asian people, or as many Mexicans as you want, but only if you’re white. If you’re black, you can shoot yourself, and up to one other black person if you have light skin. Asians are encouraged to adhere to their largely non violent stereotypes, although there is some leeway regarding martial arts related murder. Anyone can murder a Mexican, except Mexicans, who will be deported if found to be Mexican. Simple. Oh, and obviously if you’re rich, you can do whatever you want.”
Reported by Sam Rugg