LIKE a damp dishcloth, Channel 9 are wringing every last drop out of the Big Brother franchise by adding more twists than you can poke a stick at. Producers are trying to move viewer numbers past the prestigious four-figure mark.

While some held out hope that the twist would actually be intelligent discourse and tolerable personalities, the network has gone for a different angle. They’re packing as many tried-and-tested Hollywood twists, or ‘twisters’ in as their contractual obligations to KFC will allow.

“We’ve learned what kind of surprises people have been stunned by in the past, and some of them will translate well;” claimed Sonia Kruger. “One housemate is really a figment of another housemates imagination, just like in Fight Club. Also, you’ll never guess who is the criminal mastermind Keyser Soze. Keep an eye out for the limp!”

“One of the housemates can also see and talk to the dead – although it’s normally just Gordon from the first season. He’s dead, right? Another contestant is also the real father of a younger, adopted housemate who has no idea. It’s a little bit ‘Empire Strikes Back’ but really we just want to mess the kid up on national TV.”

Kruger is looking forward to the new season, “If all else fails, we airdrop Bert Newton with a machete and let him go to town on everyone. It won’t be part of the show, but it’s a great way to cut and run.”

Reported by David Piepers