New research has revealed that the Earth’s core is spinning faster, meaning days are getting shorter, infuriating business groups, who claim shorter days means employees are working less.
“We’re sick of the Earth costing us money. First it was climate change and conservation, now this,” said mining magnate Gina Rinehart. She has launched a class action lawsuit to have all employees everywhere repay money she claims they didn’t earn.
According to the research conducted by the Australian National University, the Eighties were one of the slowest decades on record. It was also a time of huge economic growth, and some are already claiming this was no coincidence. “I’d like to think I had a part in that,” said the ghost of Reagan. When asked if he was claiming to have personally slowed the Earth’s core, he very slowly replied “Yes.’
Asked for comment, Tony Abbott replied “I think you’ll find it’s the universe that revolves around the Earth.”
Reported by Sam Rugg.