“Obviously we’d all like a bit of the old rumpy pumpy with Joe Hockey.” After his latest gaff, listing”’sex appeal” as one of only three good qualities about Liberal Candidate Fiona Scott, the other two being “young” and “feisty,” Opposition Leader Tony Abbott is desperate to prove he’s not sexist, he feels that way about all the Liberal Candidates.
“People are criticising me for not complimenting her on her policies, but at the Liberal Party, we’re against policies, I don’t know how we could be any clearer than that. I mean seriously, name one Liberal policy with any details that aren’t its name. I didn’t speak about Fiona like that because she’s a woman, that’s how I speak about all my candidates.”
Mr. Abbott then stripped into silk and lace lingerie, complete with garter belt and high heals, and read throatily from a prepared list.
“Kevin Andrews, I’d hit that.
“Peter Dutton, more like Peter pushes my button.
“Barnaby Joyce, he’s my choice. For coitus.
“Christopher Pyne, there’s nothing hotter than a lizardy goblin man.
“Ian Macfarlane, when I’m done, he’ll be Ian Macfar-laid.”
Mr. Abbott then paused to address the assembled throng of journalists with a sultry gaze. “See what I mean? I could go on and on.” He then went on and on.
“Andrew Laming, I wish he was Andrew Lay Me.
“Greg Hunt, you see where I’m going with this one.
“Eric Abetz, he’s a sure bet.
“Nigel Scullion, good name, great arse.
“Simon Birmingham, I’d like to Simon Birming-ram him.”
And so fourth for several hours. Oddly, Mr. Abbott had nothing to say about Malcolm Turnbull.
Reported by Sam Rugg